Usually, I have no problem waiting for things to bake and cool. Even chill for a few hours. Usually, I love the process as much as the end result, and I can hum along as the little animated bird on my shoulder sings while as I stir, roll out my dough and bake in pure, unparalleled bliss.

Then there’s That Time.

That special, magical time when hormones are coursing through my veins, and I will shove anything and everything chocolate or chocolate-like into my mouth. Times when I WANT THE CHOCOLATE NOW OR I WILL LINE THE STREETS WITH THE BODIES OF MY ENEMIES.

When I feel myself turning into the Raging Pink Hulk, I make these No-Bake Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Oatmeal Cookies. Your mom probably made them. Mine called them Cow Patties. I call them PMS Wranglers, because they’re one-pot fast, drop-them-on-wax-paper easy, and eating them is like mainlining chocolate and peanut butter. Thank God, the oatmeal requires chewing, or I’d inhale the batch in a PMS-stupor.

One warning: when it’s humid, these cookies might not set up. Then you must follow the time-honored tradition of eating them with a spoon. If you’ve never leaned on the counter and spooned these up, you have missed out on one of life’s Top 100 pleasures.

Chocolate. Peanut butter. Oatmeal. Guaranteed to keep the Raging Pink Hulk at bay. So, indulge, knowing that you are doing something good for mankind. And the streets will remain free of the bodies of your enemies. At least for one more month.

No-Bake Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Oatmeal Cookies

By Rebecca Crump (Ezra Pound Cake)

  • 3 1/2 cups dry quick-cooking oats, divided
  • 1/2 cup peanut butter
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla
  • 1 stick (8 tablespoons) butter, cut into pieces
  • 2 cups sugar
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 4 tablespoons cocoa
  1. Place several sheets of wax paper on your counter or kitchen table.
  2. Measure 3 cups of oats, the peanut butter and the vanilla into a large heatproof bowl. Set aside.
  3. Place the butter, sugar, milk and cocoa in a small saucepan. Give them a quick stir. Turn the heat on high, and leave the mixture alone. (No more stirring.) Bring the mixture to a full, rolling boil, and let it boil for exactly 1 minute. Remove immediately from the heat, and pour the chocolate mixture over the oats and peanut butter.
  4. Use a large wooden spoon to quickly stir the ingredients together. (If the mixture seems runny or it’s a very humid day, stir in the remaining half-cup of oats.)
  5. Working with two spoons or a small ice cream scoop, drop the mixture by tablespoons onto the wax paper.
  6. Let the cookies cool until set.