I just read that Jessica Simpson is going to appear on “Oprah” this Friday to complain about John Mayer calling her “sexual napalm.”

What’s wrong with being sexual napalm?

MUST I BEAR THIS BURDEN ALONE?

Of course not. I’m sure you’re all sexual napalm, and that’s why you deserve this bombshell of a cake.

I call it Sunshine Pound Cake, because it’s a sunny yellow and packed with citrus: lemon, lime and orange. The cake is sweet and buttery, pillowy soft with a tight crumb, but you can see the citrus zest confetti peeking out all over, ready to party.

You can gobble the cake up by itself, or add the Sunshine Glaze. It’s a thick glaze made with confectioners’ sugar, citrus zest and fresh orange juice. Spoon the glaze over the cake as soon as it reaches room temperature, and the glaze will sink into the top of the cake, giving you a few intensely sweet and citrusy bites with each slice.

It’s like snacking on sunshine.

Like sexual napalm, but lemony.

Such is the bombshell’s burden. God bless us, every one.

Sunshine Pound Cake

Rebecca Crump (EzraPoundCake.com)

• 1 cup butter, room temperature
• 3 cups sugar
• 6 eggs
• 3 cups cake flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1 cup sour cream
• Zest of 1 lemon
• Zest of 2 limes
• Zest of 1 orange (minus 1 teaspoon, to use in glaze)
• 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
• 2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
• 2 tablespoons fresh orange juice
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• Sunshine Glaze (recipe follows)

1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Set the rack in the middle of the oven. Generously grease a bundt pan with a nonstick spray, like Baker’s Joy®.

2. Prep the ingredients:

•Crack the eggs into a medium bowl, and set aside.

•Sift the flour and baking soda into a bowl. Add the zests, whisk to combine, and set aside.

•Measure the sour cream, fruit juices, and vanilla into a separate bowl, whisk to combine, and set aside.

3. In the bowl of a standing mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream the butter and sugar on low speed for 3 minutes.

4. Add the eggs, one at a time, fully incorporating after each addition. Scrape the sides of the bowl before adding dry ingredients.

5. Add the flour mixture alternately with the sour cream mixture, beginning and ending with the dry mixture.

6. Scrape the sides of the bowl and the area under the paddle to break up any clumps. Turn up the mixer to medium speed for about 20 seconds.

7. Pour the batter into your prepared bundt pan. Level it with a rubber spatula or by moving the pan back and forth.

8. Bake for 65 to 70 minutes, or until a cake tester inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean.

9. Cool in the pan on a wire rack for 10 minutes. Invert the pan, remove the cake, and let it cool on the wire rack.

10. Allow the cake to cool to room temperature, about 30 minutes, before glazing. (Tip: Place a piece of wax paper or parchment under the wire rack to catch dripping glaze.)

Sunshine Glaze

Makes about 1 cup

• 2 cups confectioners’ sugar
• 1 teaspoon lemon zest
• 1 teaspoon lime zest
• 1 teaspoon orange zest
• 1/4 cup fresh orange juice

1. Whisk the ingredients together until smooth.

2. Apply the glaze by spooning or pouring it on when the cake has reached room temperature.

I make a mean tiramisu, but this talent is lost on Jeff, who is a shunner of all things coffee, coffee-related, javafied and mocha-esque. When Mommaw gave me a kickass Keurig for Christmas, Jeff looked at it the same way he looks at Henry the Wonderdog. With repulsion followed by begrudging acceptance.

So, since eating an entire tiramisu might lead to firefighters sawing the house open to carry me out (next on TLC’s “Half-Ton Blogga!”), I get my fix with this Tiramisu Sundae.

A typical tiramisu has layers of ladyfingers (soaked in espresso) alternating with layers of mascarpone cream. There also can be alcohol and whipped cream involved (just like the night you were conceived! I know!) and chocolate shavings or a dusting of cocoa. For this sundae, you’ll replace the mascarpone layers with scoops of ice cream – vanilla, chocolate, coffee, Ben and Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch, Starbucks Java Chip Frappuccino. The Espresso Ice Cream that Michelle from Brown Eyed Baker posted a few days ago? That would do nicely.

And don’t be scared off by the ladyfingers. I can usually find them in my grocery’s cookie section or with the frozen foods, but they can be pricey, and …

Come closer. I need to whisper something in your ear.

Sometimes I just use vanilla wafers.

Seriously. Vanilla wafers are cheap, they absorb liquid beautifully, and you can use the remaining cookies for banana pudding or as little delivery systems for peanut butter or Nutella.

Then, you can class it up with a nice dollop of whipped cream and some chocolate shavings. Or trash it up with a nice big pour of Kahlua (aka “Ka-hula,” courtesy of a former co-worker who insisted that was the name of the product). Either way, you get a frozen creamy-crunchy coffee tornado in a cup.

Do I mind that Jeff doesn’t share my Tiramisu Sundae love? Nah. If he did, he might catch me making out with my Keurig. And THAT would be awkward.

Tiramisu Sundaes

Adapted from “Martha Stewart Living” (January 2003)

Serves 4

• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1 1/2 cup strong espresso, cooled
• 3 tablespoons Kahlua or brandy (optional)
• 8 ladyfingers (about 4 ounces) or vanilla wafers
• 1 pint ice cream (recommended flavors: coffee, chocolate or vanilla)
• Garnish: chocolate shavings

1. Whisk cream in a medium bowl until stiff peaks form; cover with plastic wrap, and place in refrigerator until ready to serve.

2. Combine espresso and Kahlua, if using, in a medium bowl. Break 4 ladyfingers in half; dip into espresso mixture until soaked but not falling apart. Arrange two halves in a layer at the bottom of each parfait glass.

3. Top with a scoop of ice cream.

4. Repeat with another layer of soaked ladyfingers, and top with a scoop of ice cream.

5. Garnish each glass with a dollop of whipped cream and a sprinkling of chocolate shavings. Serve immediately, if not sooner.

When I was a kid, we were taught that bragging was bad. Because every time a child brags, a baby unicorn gets rabies.

Still, I forgot about the baby unicorns earlier this week when my sister texted me, asking what was new. I mean, she’s my sister and a Harvard graduate and the caregiver of the First Human Children, so I figured I was on safe ground. But every time I tried to type in, “Hey, I made Paste Magazine’s list of 25 Foodies to Follow on Twitter!,” my phone’s spell-check would change “Foodies” to “Doodies.”

So, if you’ve been looking for a doodie, eureka! You’ve found me!

Let’s celebrate with cupcakes.

I joined the rest of the Barefoot Bloggers in making a batch of Ina Garten’s Coconut Cupcakes this month, and they are exactly how they should be. The cakes are light and buttery, with big coconut flavor, a little buttermilk tang and a whisper of almond extract, which gives them that professional bakery touch. And for the frosting, you can put away your piping bag. These little cakes were meant to be crowned with an ample amount of cream cheese frosting, piled high with a spoon or spatula, and sprinkled with shredded coconut.

The coconut flavor intensifies with time, so these cupcakes would be a great make-ahead item for a birthday party, shower or Easter egg hunt.

Or just to celebrate life as a doodie.

Coconut Cupcakes

Adapted from Ina Garten’s “The Barefoot Contessa Cookbook”

Makes 12

• 3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1 cup sugar
• 2 extra-large eggs, room temperature
• 3/4 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
• 3/4 teaspoon pure almond extract
• 1 1/2 cups flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/2 cup buttermilk
• 7 ounces sweetened, shredded coconut, divided

Frosting:

• 1/2 pound (8 ounces) cream cheese, room temperature
• 3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
• 1/4 teaspoon pure almond extract
• 12 ounces confectioners’ sugar, sifted

1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Line a muffin pan with paper liners.

2. In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream the butter and sugar on high speed until light and fluffy, about 5 minutes. With the mixer on low speed, add the eggs, 1 at a time, scraping down the bowl after each addition. Add the vanilla and almond extracts; mix well.

3. In a separate bowl, sift the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt.

4. In 3 parts, alternately add the dry ingredients and the buttermilk to the batter, beginning and ending with the dry. Mix until just combined. Fold in 3 1/2 ounces of coconut.

5. Fill each paper liner to the top with batter. Bake for 25 to 35 minutes, until the tops are brown and a toothpick comes out clean. Cool in the pan for 15 minutes. Remove to a baking rack and cool completely.

6. Meanwhile, make the frosting. In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream the cream cheese, butter, and vanilla and almond extracts. Add the confectioners’ sugar, and mix until smooth.

7. Frost the cupcakes. Sprinkle with the remaining 3 1/2 ounces coconut.

When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.

But when life hands you a 2-day-old baguette, a freshly opened bottle of Maker’s Mark and five delicious snowbound days, you make Bourbon Bread Pudding. With a warm, buttery bourbon sauce. And bourbon-soaked raisins.

It’s the sort of dessert you want to curl up around and savor while you watch the snow fall. Or read a book. Or watch “The Matrix” trilogy from start to finish in its entirety.

Traditionally, cooks made bread pudding to use up stale bread, but if you don’t have a geriatric baguette handy, you can tear the bread and toast it in the oven. You want the bread to be dry so that it can fully soak in the custard, a magical concoction made up of common ingredients – egg yolks, brown sugar, heavy cream, whole milk, vanilla, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt and bourbon.

Once the pudding is baked, with a liberal sprinkling of cinnamon and sugar and yes-yes sweet butter on top, it’s like a hug in a bowl. Soft and warm and wonderfully familiar. But add the bourbon sauce, and it’s more like a grope.

So, what are you waiting for? Add the bourbon sauce.

New Orleans Bourbon Bread Pudding with Bourbon Sauce

Adapted from “Cook’s Country”

Serves 8 to 10

• 1 (18- to 20-inch) French baguette, torn into 1-inch pieces (10 cups)
• 1 cup raisins
• 3/4 cup bourbon, divided
• 6 tablespoons unsalted butter, cubed and chilled, plus extra for dish
• 8 large egg yolks
• 1 1/2 cups packed light brown sugar
• 3 cups heavy cream
• 1 cup whole milk
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon, divided
• 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 3 tablespoons granulated sugar
• Bourbon Sauce (recipe follows)

1. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F. Butter 13 by 9-inch baking dish, and set aside.

2. Arrange the bread in a single layer on a baking sheet. Bake until crisp and brown, about 12 minutes, turning pieces over halfway through and rotating the baking sheet front to back. Let bread cool. Reduce oven temperature to 300 degrees F.

3. Meanwhile, heat raisins and 1/2 cup bourbon in a small saucepan over medium-high heat until bourbon begins to simmer, 2 to 3 minutes. Strain the mixture, placing the bourbon and raisins in separate bowls.

4. In a large bowl, whisk yolks, brown sugar, cream, milk, vanilla, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, nutmeg and salt. Whisk in remaining 1/4 cup bourbon plus the bourbon used to plump the raisins. Toss in the toasted bread until evenly coated. Let mixture sit until bread begins to absorb custard, about 30 minutes, tossing occasionally. If the majority of the bread is still hard when squeezed, soak for another 15 to 20 minutes.

5. Pour half the bread mixture into the prepared baking dish, and sprinkle with half the raisins. Repeat with the remaining bread mixture and raisins. Cover the dish with foil, and bake for 45 minutes.

6. Meanwhile, mix granulated sugar and remaining 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon in a small bowl. Using your fingers, pinch 6 tablespoons butter into sugar mixture until the crumbs are the size of small peas. Remove foil from pudding, sprinkle with butter mixture, and bake, uncovered, until custard is just set, 20 to 25 minutes. Increase oven temperature to 450 degrees F and bake until top of pudding forms golden crust, about 2 minutes.

7. Let the pudding cool on a wire rack for 30 minutes (or up to 2 hours). Serve alone or with Bourbon Sauce.

Bourbon Sauce

Makes about 1 cup

• 1 1/2 teaspoons cornstarch
• 1/4 cup bourbon, divided
• 3/4 cup heavy cream
• 2 tablespoons sugar
• Pinch salt
• 2 teaspoons unsalted butter, cut into small pieces

1. In a small bowl, whisk cornstarch and 2 tablespoons bourbon until well combined.

2. Using a small saucepan over medium heat, heat the cream and sugar until the sugar dissolves. Whisk in cornstarch mixture, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low, and cook until sauce thickens, 3 to 5 minutes.

3. Take the pan off the heat, and stir in salt, butter and the remaining 2 tablespoons bourbon.

4. Drizzle warm sauce over bread pudding. Or ice cream. Or directly into your mouth.

(Storage: Sauce can keep for up to 5 days if refrigerated in an airtight container.)

Here in Nashville, there’s a certain low-frequency buzz. And if you’re quiet and listen very hard, you’ll hear the sounds that make up that buzz – the electronic bleeps of grocery cash registers ringing up hot chocolate and popcorn, the rumble of salt trucks and the fervently whispered prayers of thousands of kids (and their teachers) – because, OMG, SNOW IS IN THE FORECAST.

Four inches. This Friday.

To many of you, that’s nothing. A dusting. A joke. But here? Any accumulation is cause for celebration. And an excellent excuse for making a chocolate chip cookie bigger than your head. Something fun to bake, break and nibble while you watch the big flakes fall.

You start with a batch of chocolate chip cookie dough. (The one given has slightly less butter and egg than most.) Then, instead of dropping tablespoons of the dough onto baking sheets, you press all of the cookie dough into the bottom of a 10-inch ovenproof skillet and bake it for about 45 minutes.

Once the cookie has cooled, you’ll be able to invert it onto a plate or cutting board, and divide it into rich, cakey, chocolate-filled wedges. Just don’t forget the milk or a serious scoop of vanilla ice cream. And maybe some caramel sauce.

And remember, it’s not the size of the snow. It’s how much fun you have with your flakes.

Here’s to the Blizzard of 2010!

Snow-Day Skillet Cookie

Adapted from “Martha Stewart Living” (July 2002)

Serves 8

• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
• 3/4 cup packed light brown sugar
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 large egg
• 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
• 1 1/2 cups mixed milk and semisweet chocolate chips (about 9 ounces)

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

2. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda and salt. Set aside.

3. In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream butter and sugars until the mixture is light and fluffy, about 2 minutes.

4. Add egg and vanilla, mixing until they are fully incorporated.

5. Add flour mixture, and beat until just combined.

6. Stir in chocolate chips.

7. Transfer dough to a 10-inch ovenproof skillet, and press to flatten, covering the bottom of the pan. Bake until the edges are brown and top is golden, 40 to 45 minutes. Transfer to a wire rack to cool, 15 to 20 minutes. Cut into 8 wedges. Serve each with a scoop of ice cream or a large glass of milk.

Back in the days of my Bachelor Girl apartment, I read one of those “step outside your box!” articles and decided to give “sleep naked!” a try. My bedroom was three floors over the parking lot, so there was no reason to break out my giant martini glass and work up a Burlesque routine. Nope. I just shimmied out of my clothes, hopped into bed and waited to greet the morning.

Only the morning greeted me first.

I woke up to a row of construction workers standing on the roof of the building across from mine, looking down through my blinds at my naked-naked self.

However, I still believe that trying new things is always a win-win situation. If all goes well, you’ve added something new to your repertoire. And if something goes awry, you’ve got a great story. Either way, you become an even more fascinating person. So, here’s a new experience for you: making panna cotta.

It’s the most amazing stuff. A cold Italian dessert that’s rich, creamy and luscious. Perfect for when you want just a few bites of something sweet, especially after a heavy meal. And it’s as easy to make as pudding from a box.

“Panna cotta” literally means “cooked cream,” and you start the recipe by simmering half-and-half and sugar in a large saucepan until it reaches a boil. Then, stir in a tablespoon of dissolved gelatin and vanilla, ladle the mixture into ramekins or wine glasses, and let it chill until it sets. The finished texture will probably remind you of a slightly firm pudding or a loose creme brulee (minus the egg yolks, water bath and torch).

The panna cotta will be infused with vanilla flavor, which makes it the ideal companion for something more adventurous. Here, you’ll find a recipe for a simple blackberry sauce, but you could also pair your panna cotta with mixed berries, hot fudge or caramel sauce, strawberries soaked in balsamic vinegar and pepper, blood oranges – almost any fresh fruit, compote, jam, syrup, sauce or preserve.

If you’re feeling especially experimental, replace the vanilla in the panna cotta recipe with two teaspoons of something you love. Orange blossom honey. Almond extract. Maybe a liqueur, like Frangelico or Grand Marnier. Citrus juice and a little zest for color. Lemon verbena or matcha.

Have fun experimenting! And if you decide to cook naked, always check the rooftops.

Panna Cotta with Blackberry Sauce

Adapted from Catherine Newman (“O Magazine,”July 2008)

Serves 8

• 1 envelope unflavored gelatin (about 1 tablespoon)
• 3 cups half-and-half (or whole milk or heavy cream)
• 1/3 cup sugar
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Sauce:

• 2 cups fresh or frozen blackberries (or cherries) , plus more for garnish (optional)
• 2/3 cup sugar

1. Sprinkle gelatin over 2 tablespoons cold water in a small saucepan; let stand a minute to soften. Heat on low, stirring, until gelatin dissolves, about 1 minute. Remove from heat.

2. In a large saucepan, bring half-and-half and 1/3 cup sugar just to a boil over medium-high heat, stirring. Remove from heat; stir in gelatin (it may need to be scraped off pan with a spatula) and vanilla. Ladle into 8 (1/2-cup) ramekins (lightly oiled or greased with nonstick spray) or glasses; cool to room temperature. Cover and chill at least 4 hours or overnight.

3. To make the fruit sauce: In a small saucepan over medium-low heat cook the berries and 2/3 cup sugar, stirring occasionally, until berries release their liquid and begin to break down, about 20 minutes. Puree the mixture in a blender, strain, and chill for 1 hour.

4. Serve panna cotta in ramekins or on plates: To loosen, dip each ramekin in a bowl of hot water for 3 or 4 seconds, run a knife around the edges, then invert onto a plate. Spoon fruit sauce on top and garnish with extra berries (if using).

Do you remember in “Steel Magnolias” when Shelby (Julia Roberts) says, “I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special”?

That’s how I feel about dessert.

After spending this week trying healthier options, I can honestly say I’d rather have a spoonful of Banana Pudding than a metric ton of Quinoa Fruit Pudding.

Banana Pudding doesn’t get much respect, but it is the tiramisu of the South. Both are made with cookies, custard and a strong flavor element. Both are made by layering those components.

And yet, you never see a recipe like “Not Yo Mama’s Tiramisu.”

I guess Banana Pudding is just more vulnerable to trashiness. You can find an instant and/or processed form of every ingredient, except the bananas. And I’m sure scientists are cloistered underground working furiously on “Banana in a Can” right now.

But every once in a while, you come across a new Banana Pudding recipe that uses real ingredients and gives the old recipe a twist. Take the Lee Brothers’ recipe for Banana Pudding Parfaits. Layers of banana puree, vanilla custard, crushed gingersnaps and rum-flavored whipped cream.

Gingersnaps! Sure, you could still use vanilla wafers, but the crunch and zing of the snaps are worth a try.

I also like that you store the components separately in the fridge until you’re ready to serve them. No mushy cookies, no discolored banana slices, no leaky layers. Every parfait is cold and fresh and portion-controlled. You can’t just reach into the fridge, grab a casserole dish full of pudding, and mindlessly eat it for breakfast. Or lunch.

Oh, and if banana puree isn’t your thing, you could add freshly chopped bananas as you need them for each parfait or substitute them with something completely different. Maybe pineapple and toasted coconut for a piña colada-inspired pudding. Mango. Orange segments.

Just no quinoa.

Banana Pudding Parfaits

Adapted from Matt Lee and Ted Lee’s “The Lee Bros. Simple Fresh Southern”

Makes 6

Banana Layer:

• 2 pounds ripe bananas (about 5 large bananas), peeled and chopped
• 2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
• 2 teaspoons sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt

Custard Layer:

• 3 cups whole milk
• 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
• 3 large eggs
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 2 tablespoons cornstarch

Rum-Flavored Whipped Cream:

• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1 to 2 tablespoons confectioner’s sugar
• 2 tablespoons premium-quality dark rum, like Mount Gay or Myers’s

• 3/4 cup crushed gingersnaps (approximately 8 cookies)

1. For the Banana Layer: Using a food processor, combine all of the ingredients in the banana layer, and pulse until the mixture is a smooth puree. Press plastic wrap on the surface of the puree, and set it aside in the fridge. (It will keep for 24 hours.)

2. For the Custard Layer: Heat the milk and vanilla in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat until it begins to steam. In a small bowl, whisk the eggs, sugar and cornstarch. Whisking constantly, pour the warm milk into the egg mixture in a thin stream. Return the mixture to the saucepan, and cook over medium heat, stirring slowly until the custard is thick and making large bubbles, about 4 minutes. Transfer the custard to a bowl; let it cool to room temperature. Refrigerate the custard, covered, until it is well chilled, about 30 minutes. (This would be a good time to slip your mixing bowl into the freezer to prepare for making the whipped cream.)

3. To Serve: When you are ready to serve the dessert, whip the cream with the sugar and rum until it forms stiff peaks. Layer the custard, banana puree and cookie crumbles in parfait glasses until the glasses are two-thirds full. Finish with a generous dollop of whipped cream.

So, you’ve managed to eat this and not that, your willpower is at its zenith, and you’re starting to think maybe Jillian Michaels should be calling you for tips. THAT’S when it strikes. A chocolate craving so intense you start feeling around in the cabinets for loose chocolate chips. You debate the merits of just making a pan of brownies and snorting them with a straw.

OK, deep cleansing breaths. You are not comic-strip Cathy. (ACK!!) At least, that’s what I told myself last night when I was ready to trade my car for a peanut butter cup. Seriously.

I was flipping through my cookbooks, looking for SOMETHING that might tame the beast without leaving me with an entire batch of cookies, candy or cake lying around. And that’s when I stumbled on this Chocolate Orange Fondue.

Oh, yes.

You don’t need a fondue pot. Just grab your favorite small saucepan, and bring a half-cup of cream (or half-and-half) and some orange peel to a boil. Take it off the heat, cover it, and let it steep for 30 minutes, so the cream gets infused with orange flavor. Then, reheat the cream to a simmer, and pour it over a few handfuls of milk chocolate chips. Yesss. Wait for 30 seconds, and then grab a whisk and make some magic. A rich, deep, dark, satiny-smooth cup of orange-infused chocolate ganache.

Wanna swank it up? Add a tablespoon of Grand Marnier.

And then, forage, my friend! Gather an assortment of healthy, delicious foods begging to be dipped or drizzled in chocolaty goodness. Sliced apples? Yes! Pears? Yes! Bananas, orange segments, pineapple chunks, cherries, berries and figs? Oh, yeah.

The fruits will help fill you up and keep you from just tipping up the ganache and throwing it back. If you have a chocolate goatee, you’ve gone too far! But seriously, if portion control is an issue, just put a spoonful or two on your plate, or drizzle the chocolate on your fruit instead of dipping it. The flavor is so intense, you won’t need much quantity.

Now, look at you. You stunning inspiration! You beacon of hope! This is your year to get fit and take names.

I’M LOOKING AT YOU, COMIC-STRIP CATHY. ACK!!

Chocolate Orange Fondue

Adapted from John Scharffenberger and Robert Steinberg’s “Essence of Chocolate”

Makes about 1 cup; serves 4

• 1/2 cup heavy cream (or half-and-half)
• 3 strips orange peel
• 7 ounces milk chocolate, finely chopped
• 1 tablespoon Grand Marnier or other orange liqueur (optional)
• For dipping: orange segments, apple slices, banana slices, cherries, berries, figs, marshmallows

1. In a small saucepan over medium-high heat, bring the cream and orange peel to a boil. Remove from the heat, cover, and let stand for 30 minutes. Remove the orange peel.

2. Place the chocolate in a medium bowl.

3. Reheat the cream until simmering. Pour the cream over the chocolate, and let stand for 30 seconds, then whisk gently until the mixture is very smooth. Whisk in the Grand Marnier, if using.  Serve warm with a variety of magnificent dipping ingredients.

Growing up, I never really understood fruitcake jokes, because Mom’s Chocolate Fruitcake was something you waited for all year. A rich, fudgy bundt cake baked with Jack Daniel’s in the batter and studded with chocolate chips, chopped pecans, raisins, maraschino cherries and candied pineapple pieces.

Oh, you don’t even know.

It’s unconventional and delicious and slightly trashy, and I wish I had a great, epic story about the making of this fruitcake. Something like Truman Capote’s “A Christmas Memory,” with Mom using a dilapidated baby carriage to gather pecans and buying bootleg whiskey down by the river. But actually, she starts with a cake mix (devil’s food with pudding), moistens it with Jack Daniel’s and sour cream (instead of oil and water) and a few eggs, and stirs in all the good stuff. Pair a dark, chocolaty slice with an embarrassingly mountainous dollop of freshly whipped cream, and you’ll understand why I have no idea whether it really can last two weeks in the fridge.

Chocolate Spirit Fruitcake

Adapted from “Miss Mary Bobo’s Boarding House Cookbook”

Yield: 12 to 15 servings

• 1 18.5 ounce package devil’s food pudding cake mix
• 1/3 cup Jack Daniel’s Whiskey
• 1 cup sour cream
• 3 eggs
• 2 cups chopped pecans
• 1 cup golden raisins
• 1 cup maraschino cherries, drained and halved
• 1 cup candied pineapple pieces, halved
• 1 6-ounce package semisweet chocolate chips
• Corn syrup (optional)

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour a 12-cup fluted tub pan.

2. In a standing mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, combine the cake mix, Jack Daniel’s Whiskey, sour cream and eggs on low speed until moistened, then beat for 2 minutes on high speed.

3. Stir in the remaining ingredients, except the corn syrup.

4. Pour the batter into the prepared pan. Bake for 50 to 60 minutes, or until cake springs back when touched lightly in the center. Cool for 20 minutes. Turn out on a rack and cool completely.

5. To serve, brush warm corn syrup on the top for a glossy finish. Slice thinly for serving.

Note: Cake will keep for two weeks wrapped tightly in foil or plastic and stored in the refrigerator.

A few months ago, I promised a marshmallow tutorial –WITH PHOTOS! – to Laura and Karen, to prove that, YES!, they can make marshmallows at home. Big, soft, happy, puffy marshmallows that taste much better than any you’ll find at the grocery. Marshmallows that actually MELT in hot chocolate instead of bobbing around looking stupid.

Are you ready for the challenge?

Let’s go!

There are many marshmallow recipes out there, but my favorite comes from the December 1998 issue of “Gourmet.” It’s the only one I’ve tried where the marshmallows actually set and don’t get sticky in storage. And the marshmallows are yummy. Didn’t mean to leave that out.

So, let’s get started! First, the ingredients:

Marshmallows

Adapted from Gourmet (December 1998)

• 1 cup confectioner’s sugar (a.k.a. powdered sugar)
• 3 1/2 envelopes (2 tablespoons plus 2 1/2 teaspoons) unflavored gelatin
• 1/2 cup cold water
• 2 cups granulated sugar
• 1/2 cup light corn syrup
• 1/2 cup hot water (You want it to be around 115°F, which takes about 15 seconds in the microwave. )
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 2 large egg whites (or meringue powder reconstituted according to the manufacturer’s directions)
• 2 teaspoons to 1 tablespoon vanilla extract

Go ahead and measure everything before we start. I’ll wait.

1. Lightly spray a 13- by 9- by 2-inch rectangular metal baking pan with nonstick spray, and dust it (bottom and sides) with a little confectioner’s sugar. (If you don’t have a pan that size, it’s fine to use a 10-inch square pan.)

2. Grab the bowl of your standing electric mixer (or just a large bowl, if you’re using a hand mixer), and pour in the cold water. Sprinkle the gelatin over the water, and set it aside to soften.

3. Set a large saucepan on the stove, and add the granulated sugar, corn syrup, hot water and salt. Cook the mixture over low heat, stirring it with a wooden spoon, until the sugar is dissolved.

4. Turn up the heat to medium, and bring the mixture to a boil (without stirring it!) until your candy thermometer reads 240°F. This will take about 12 minutes.

Tip: Yes, you MUST have a candy thermometer to do this. If you fear this particular tool, look for one like mine: the Taylor Classic Candy and Deep-Fry Analog Thermometer. It has a clip that attaches the thermometer to the pan, so you don’t have to worry about it sliding or splashing, and the red line on the face is extremely easy to read. Just look at it!

5. Take the pan off the stove, and pour the sugar mixture over the gelatin mixture from Step 2. Stir it until the gelatin is dissolved.

6. Using an electric mixer (standing or hand-held), beat the mixture on high speed until it’s bright white, thick and nearly tripled in volume. (This will take about 6 minutes if you’re using a standing mixer or 10 minutes with a hand-held.)

7. Grab a separate bowl and a set of clean beaters or a whisk, and beat your egg whites until they just hold stiff peaks.

8. Add the egg whites and vanilla to the sugar mixture, and beat them until they’re just combined.

9. Pour the mixture into your prepared pan.

Tip: Don’t worry about trying to scrape out every last bit of marshmallow from the mixing bowl. Your spatula will start to stick and pull back strings of marshmallow, and then more strings, and it just won’t be pretty. Trust me.

10. Sift 1/4 cup of confectioner’s sugar over the top of the marshmallow.

11. Pop the pan into the refrigerator, and let the mixture chill, uncovered, until it’s firm. This will take at least at least 3 hours, but you can leave it in the fridge for up to 24.

12. Take a thin knife, and run it around all four edges of the pan.

13. Turn the pan upside-down onto a large cutting board. Then lift up a corner of the pan, and use your fingers or a knife to loosen up the marshmallow block so that it falls onto the board.

14. If the edges of the big marshmallow block are rough, you can trim them with a large knife. Then take the knife or a bench scraper, and cut the marshmallow into 1-inch cubes.

Tip: If you get bored with the cubes, you can also use a small biscuit cutter to cut rounds, or break out the cookie cutters and cut stars, snowflakes, Christmas trees and flying pigs.

15. Sift the rest of your original cup of confectioner’s sugar into a large bowl, and add the marshmallows in batches, tossing them to evenly coat them in sugar.

Voila! Marshmallows!

Once you get the hang of this recipe, you’ll be ready to experiment. Adding a few drops of peppermint here or fruit puree there. Rolling them in powdered sugar mixed with pumpkin pie spice. Measuring a few drops of baby blue, lavender or pink food coloring into the freshly whipped marshmallow.

But just wait ’til you taste your own soft, scrumptious, homemade marshmallows in a big mug of hot chocolate. Or dip them in caramel or chocolate to eat as candy. Or bag some to send as gifts over the holidays.

You will have faced your fear of marshmallow-making, tamed the mighty candy thermometer and worked that marshmallow mojo.

You glorious example of humanity.

Now, let’s make marshmallows!