Usually, I have no problem waiting for things to bake and cool. Even chill for a few hours. Usually, I love the process as much as the end result, and I can hum along as the little animated bird on my shoulder sings while as I stir, roll out my dough and bake in pure, unparalleled bliss.

Then there’s That Time.

That special, magical time when hormones are coursing through my veins, and I will shove anything and everything chocolate or chocolate-like into my mouth. Times when I WANT THE CHOCOLATE NOW OR I WILL LINE THE STREETS WITH THE BODIES OF MY ENEMIES.

When I feel myself turning into the Raging Pink Hulk, I make these No-Bake Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Oatmeal Cookies. Your mom probably made them. Mine called them Cow Patties. I call them PMS Wranglers, because they’re one-pot fast, drop-them-on-wax-paper easy, and eating them is like mainlining chocolate and peanut butter. Thank God, the oatmeal requires chewing, or I’d inhale the batch in a PMS-stupor.

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So, for this week’s Tuesdays with Dorie challenge, Clara of i heart food 4 thought threw down the gauntlet: make Dorie Greenspan’s Chocolate-Chocolate Cupcakes and decorate them for Halloween.

I thought about all the usual suspects: skulls, eyeballs, ghosts, witches, werewolves and mummies. And then the answer became frighteningly obvious: owls. Because nothing sends a shiver down my spine like the sound of a “HoooOOOOooooot.” Or the sight of that swivel-head. Bloodcurdling! I found this owl design in “Hello, Cupcake!,” and it’s as easy as a witch in a broom shop. DANGEROUSLY close to Sandra Lee territory. But it’s Halloween! Time to embrace the tacky!

Before we start, here’s what you’ll need for a dozen owls: 12 chocolate cupcakes, 1 can of chocolate frosting, 24 Oreos and a medium bag of M&M’s. Now, let’s get our hoot on. Read More…

With Nashville hosting tonight’s Monday Night Football game, we had to break out the big guns: Coconut Shrimp and Pineapple-Habanero Dip.

Doesn’t that plate of shrimp look dainty? You’d never guess we snorted the rest straight off the paper towel. But the dip is the real star. The combination features pineapple, red bell pepper and a tablespoon of freshly minced habanero. It’s the perfect amount of heat: enough to get the attention of most sane people without detracting from the flavor.

So, in this, the Season of Thanksgiving, I offer my humble thanks to the Tennessee Titans for bringing tailgate foods into my life. For yea, though I know not the meaning of the two-point conversion, I shall rejoice in the opportunity to enjoy the gifts of Ro-Tel and Velveeta, chili-smothered Fritos and Buffalo wings forever and ever. Amen. Read More…

She’s gotten to me. Martha and her 1,000 Days of Halloween. First, with the severed finger invitations. Then the paper mice and the jack-o’-lanterns and the wreath covered in glittery bats. Yes, she wore me down, like water over a rock. But I don’t own a glue gun, and if I served a petit four ghost or cider with a bobbing apple head to Jeff, he’d have me committed. So, I started looking for a more adult Halloween treat.

Because people who survive puberty deserve something better than a pack of Skittles®. More refined than anything with a face drawn on it. They deserve Orange Chocolate Baklava.

Imagine your favorite baklava components – phyllo dough, nuts and honey – combined with bittersweet chocolate and infused with orange syrup. So. Much. Flavor. The syrup soaks into the baklava as it cools, so before you take that first bite, tuck a napkin or a plate under your chin. Sticky-sweet. Crunchy. Chewy. Chocolatey. And it lasts FIVE DAYS. Or so I’m told.

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I’m just sitting down to enjoy my beloved, oh-so-fresh TCB (Turkey, Cheese & Beyond!) Sandwich – a multigrain bagel slathered in mayo and topped with provolone, cracked pepper turkey, tomato slices, and a mix of clover and onion sprouts – when I notice the house is too quiet. Where’s-the-dog quiet.

Henry the Wonderdog is still sporting the dreaded plastic Elizabethan collar from his eye surgery, so I usually don’t have a problem keeping up with him. I look around. I call his name. Nothing. Then I notice the door to the basement is wide open. So, I tear down the stairs, and out the corner of my eye, I see Henry’s eyeball. Actually, it was a marble the carpet cleaners must have found and set on the staircase. But for a split-second, I knew the Duke of Dingleberry had shot out his eye running down the stairs.

He was napping on the basement floor. Completely oblivious to my micro-panic attack.

I call this sandwich the TCB because of the ingredients and because I can eat it one-handed while I’m Taking Care of Bidness. It doesn’t have any pesky cucumber slices sliding around. No avocado falling out. Just toppings with traction. Because you never know when you’re going to need a free hand to type, answer the phone or pick up your dog’s eyeball. Read More…

I wish I could tell you these Pralines-and-Cream Pecan-Caramel Muffins had flax or wheat germ or some redeeming value. They do not.

The batter is loaded with the most incredibly moist mixture of butter, brown sugar and pecans. Delicious on its own. But then you add a tiny dollop of caramel sundae topping. Hide the caramel under a few spoonfuls of a smooth, tangy cream cheese mixture. And then take a deep breath and sprinkle pecan-brown sugar-butterscotch streusel over each one. Now, you’ve got something lethal special enough for any holiday brunch, dessert or Thursday morning.

If you can’t eat all of these fresh from the oven, don’t worry. They are equally amazing the next day, and the smell … If I hadn’t sent them to work with Jeff, I’d have spent the day popping the container open, huffing them like pecan-caramel whippets. Read More…

Every month or so, I see my dad’s friend (and my honorary uncle), Big John. And every time I see Big John, he asks me the same question: “Is Jeff still treating you right?” Next time he asks, I’m going to show him this photo of a USDA Prime Filet Mignon (aka Tenderloin Steak) wrapped in a slice of slab bacon. Hot off the grill.

Jeff only asked for one specific thing for his birthday: prime beef. The highest grade. And I am not one to stand between a man and his dream. We drove directly to the butcher shop and waited while the butcher cut our two steaks (a bone-in ribeye for Jeff and the filet for me) and pointed out some of the signs of prime beef: the light cherry-red color of the meat and the cobweb-like marbling. And there was the price.

But would the grade make a real difference in the flavor? And was the price justified? Read More…

Today, Our Lady Oprah is talking about rudeness as a “serious national problem.” I could point the finger (but not THAT finger) all day long at the texters, the loud-talkers, the woman using profanity IN THE TOY SECTION and the cowboy seated in front of me who passed gas from Nashville to Boston, but then I’d have to point the finger at myself, because I’m totally flunking the Oprah quiz. I’ve sent e-mails while I talked on the phone. I let Henry the Wonderdog deliver an Act of Congress under the magnolia tree down the street. (He caught me off guard, Oprah.) And I’m chronically late.

Consider the name of this blog: Ezra Pound Cake. I’ve been meaning to post a pound cake recipe FOR MONTHS. Last weekend, Jeff reminded me that people who Googled “pound cake” were coming here and  leaving empty-handed. Probably scrawling my URL in public bathrooms.

Well, I’m no pound-cake tease. Today, I’m sharing my recipe for Lazy-Day Pound Cake.

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You have no idea how close I was to digging out the Lenox Holiday china for this post. Blame Lowe’s. Last weekend, the gardening section had been overtaken by an army of inflatable tractor-riding Santas with plugs of mistletoe chaw in their cheeks, and after every “Ho! Ho! Ho!,” they’d belch glitter.

Kidding! I love tractors! And Christmas! I just wish we weren’t bombarded with carols and Kris Kringle until after the official start of the holidays: the “Oprah’s Favorite Things” show.

So, how did I end up with Lenox Holiday Biscotti for this week’s Tuesdays with Dorie challenge? Read More…

For lo these many months, I have carried lust in my heart for The Pioneer Woman’s Asian Noodle Salad. Noodles, cabbage, spinach, peppers, bean sprouts, scallions, cucumbers, cilantro, peanuts–all of those flavors, colors and textures in one place? Yes, yes, YES!

Could I justify buying all the ingredients for a salad only I would eat? No! Jeff wouldn’t touch this salad with Bea Arthur’s tongue.

But, LOOK AT IT. All of that crunchiness. And we haven’t even discussed the dressing: lime juice, olive oil, sesame oil, soy sauce, brown sugar, ginger, garlic, serrano peppers and EVEN MORE cilantro. Read More…