I can resist impulse buys everywhere but the grocery. I walk in with a list and a mission, but then I see the new granola mixes and ice cream flavors and coffee creamers, and I get that tingly kid-in-the-candy-store feeling. Usually I get my fix for less than $5, and I get to try something new. But I hate it when I buy something that just sits around, like the roll of cheddar-jalapeño polenta I picked up a few months ago and never gave another thought until I was rearranging the cabinets, and it came rolling out, like a tampon from a spilled purse. Useful but previously forgotten.

Then I remembered this recipe for Instant Tamale Pie. You get the pie’s first layer by overlapping rounds of packaged polenta (which comes in a roll, so you can slice it like you would sausage patties) in a cast-iron skillet or baking dish. Then you empty a can of pintos into a bowl, mash them, and add corn, salsa, cumin and oregano, and spoon the mixture over the polenta. Sprinkle a little cilantro and cheese on top, and it’s ready for the oven.

I should have broken out that roll polenta sooner, because this pie is delicious, filling and cheap. Way cheap. From now on, I’ll be customizing it according to what needs to be used up in my fridge or pantry (i.e. black beans, mushrooms, onions, black olives, chiles, fire-roasted tomatoes, peppers). Oh, and if you need a substitute for the packaged polenta, you can always make a cornmeal crust (for the top, bottom or both) or use some crushed corn chips and adjust your baking time to practically non-existent. Yes, it’ll be like eating nachos with a fork, but you’ve got to do your own thing. I’m not here to judge. I’m here to buy more granola.

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I have a soft spot for wax museums. They’re overpriced and kitschy and when they’re not maintained, the wax guests quickly turn into a collection of has-beens, like a party at Elton John’s. Wax museums are on my mind right now, because the Hollywood Wax Museum is auctioning about 200 figures – from the good to the confusing to the completely unrecognizable. I mean, look what they did to Dolly Parton. She’s a MAN, Baby! A man!

With wax museums, quantity does not equal quality.

The same holds true for this week’s Tuesdays with Dorie recipe, an insanely rich Chocolate Cream Tart, featuring a chocolate shortbread crust, chocolate cream filling and whipped cream sprinkled with chocolate shavings. If you try to wolf down a wedge, the experience will diminish to Robin Williams as “Popeye” territory. Too much. Way too much. But if you can limit yourself to a few bites, maybe even a small sliver, you’ll have a peak experience, like I did when I saw these hideous figures of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. Ohmagah.

For the recipe, visit Kim of Scrumptious Photography, or pick up a copy of Dorie Greenspan’s “Baking: From My Home to Yours.”

***So, here’s The Most Important Question Ever: If you HAD to have a wax figure in your house, who would it be, and where would you put it? I’m thinking I could turn Mr. T in the world’s most awesome toilet paper holder, but Travolta is equally tempting.***

It’s a little early for the Zucchini Invasion, that magical time of year when people who’ve grown too much zucchini start sharing it with the ones they love. And co-workers, church members and total strangers. But you’re going to need to be prepared. Yes, you could make zucchini bread, but isn’t that just the fruitcake of the summer – something everyone makes and gives but nobody wants? You need something delicious to make with your zucchini, something that will have you looking forward to your co-worker’s relentless bumper crop. You need something like this Roasted Zucchini and Tomato Pasta.

I could eat this stuff every day.

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I know, it’s springtime, and I’m supposed to be posting delicate bundles of asparagus and radishes and artichokes. But radishes don’t work with fried chicken. Sometimes you need something springy but substantial, like these Smashed Potatoes with Chives.

What’s the difference between mashed and smashed? Mashed potatoes are supposed to be creamy. You peel the potatoes (usually russet or Yukon Gold), chop them, and once they’re cooked, you mash them within an inch of their lives (or put them through a ricer) to make sure they’re not lumpy. Smashed potatoes are more rugged. You start with new potatoes and boil them whole with the peels on. Then you smash them by using the back of a wooden spoon to gently press the potatoes against the side of the pot, just enough to break their skins.

Now, your big, beautiful pot of smashed new potatoes is fit for corruption. I love to fold in melted butter and cream cheese, because the sweet tanginess of this mixture really wakes up the potatoes and primes them to showcase fresh herbs, like chopped chives or rosemary. But feel free to play around with the recipe and alter it to complement whatever flavors are in your main course. Trade the chives for basil and diced tomatoes. Or substitute the rosemary with bacon and parsley. The potatoes sound rich, but with so much flavor and texture, you won’t need two servings (or a ton of gravy) to feel satisfied. My story. Sticking to it.

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I got 11 cheeses in my fridge, and Gruyere ain’t one. I’m just not a fan. So, I knew I was going to have to change today’s Barefoot Bloggers recipe: Ina Garten’s version of the traditional Croque Monsieur (which we’ll loosely translate as “Mr. Crunch”). A grilled ham and Gruyere sandwich slathered in a Gruyere Mornay sauce and topped with … Gruyere. Gruyere City.

But last weekend, I went to Whole Foods, and they had a hunk of Habanero Cheddar the size of a butcher block in the produce section. And that hunk of Habanero spoke to me just as surely as the burning bush spoke to Moses, and it said, “Verily, the sandwich of destiny is the Croque Señor. Make it so. Habanero out.” Totally a Trekkie! So, I went home and toasted some baguette slices, used them to make ham and Habanero Cheddar sandwiches, topped those sandwiches with a Habanero Cheddar Mornay sauce and sprinkled EVEN MORE Habanero Cheddar over each one. Then they went into the oven to broil until the magnificently cheesy topping was all bubbly and golden, and the air was thick with the scent of spicy, spicy cheddar. And it was goooooood. Crunchy and gooey, rich and soul-burning. A sandwich that required a knife, a fork and a very large Mason jar full of ice water.

Can’t wait to make them again.

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When it comes to making bread pudding, I’ve always used any leftover bread I had on hand. French. Italian. A couple of stale doughnuts. Unfortunately, that didn’t work for me with this week’s Tuesdays with Dorie pick: Four Star Chocolate Bread Pudding. The recipe is straightforward enough – soak a tray of dried bread chunks in chocolate custard, and bake it in a water bath – but I substituted leftover French bread for Dorie’s suggested challah or brioche and lived to regret it. I ended up with a very bready bread pudding that had a really weak chocolate flavor, probably because the bread I used lacked the sweet, buttery richness that would have accompanied a nice hunk of brioche.

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A few years ago, a former co-worker asked me what lobster bisque was. I told him “bisque” was French for “balls.”

So, it’s a good thing Mom never called these childhood treats by their proper name: Frozen Orange Balls. Sounds like an arctic affliction you might see diagnosed on “House,” but FOBs are actually a retro party food straight out of “The Nashville Cookbook,” a Nashville Area Home Economics Association bible that’s been reprinted at least 12 times since 1976.

What’s so special about them? They’re sort of a no-bake icebox cookie. You combine the ingredients (i.e. vanilla wafers, powdered sugar, frozen orange juice concentrate, butter and pecans), form them into balls, roll them in shredded coconut, and freeze them. So, they’re ice cold and sweet, with a citrus kick. Perfect with an orange soda or on your grandmother’s Easter china. With a bunny napkin. What can I say? I’m a classy girl.

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Ina, I’m not going to lie to you. I wasn’t looking forward to trying this Chinese Chicken Salad when it was announced as a Barefoot Bloggers pick for April, because I thought I didn’t like Asian dishes with peanut butter. When I was a vegetarian and just learning how to cook, I made some Asian-style noodles with peanut butter from one of those “brand name” cookbooks, and that giant top hat-and-monocle-wearing peanut was dead to me for a long time. Dreadful.

But this, this is a salad to change minds. Chunks of roast chicken breast mixed with snow peas, sliced red peppers, scallions and toasted sesame seeds. And the dressing – yes, it has peanut butter – but there’s also rice wine vinegar, soy sauce, dark sesame oil, honey, garlic and ginger. Plenty of big flavors to add complexity to the dressing. Could you leave the peanut butter out? Yes, but it actually acts as a thickener, giving the dressing enough body to cling to the salad instead of pooling at the bottom of the bowl. If you’re worried about getting too much, start by adding a spoonful to the dressing, whisk it and taste it. A tablespoon might be all you need.

An added bonus: This salad doesn’t contain anything that wilts overnight, so the leftovers still taste fresh and have plenty of crunch. I ate my last bowl for lunch, and it was just as good as the first one. Chinese Chicken Salad, we have a future together.

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So, you remember that scene in “Sex and the City” when Carrie spots those petal pink Christian Louboutin stilettos in a shop window and purrs, “Hello, Lover”? Because, no matter how impractical, she has to have those shoes. She sees herself in those shoes. She’s made a connection.

That was me with Alice Waters’ Strawberry Shortcake. I’d been flipping through “The Art of Simple Food” since Mom gave it to me last Christmas, but I didn’t connect with anything until this morning, when I noticed this recipe and envisioned the spoonfuls of slightly sweetened strawberries and vanilla whipped cream spilling out of a just-cooled cream biscuit dusted with powdered sugar. Oh, yessssss. I connected.

What’s different about Ms. Waters’ Strawberry Shortcake? The cream biscuits are light and crumbly,  just sweet enough, and they can soak in all of that lovely strawberry juice without turning to mush or cutting the roof of your mouth. As for the strawberries, Waters suggests an interesting twist: purée a fourth of them. Paired with the juice oozing from the sitting strawberries, the purée intensifies the strawberry flavor and transforms the liquid from a watery pink to a bright, beautiful red.

So, I think I’m going to skip the processed and the Peeps® this weekend and see what other simple wonders have been hiding inside this book. Yes, I’m finally ready to fall in love with a cookbook without pictures. Next stop: puberty!

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I knew my brain was tired when I misread kola nuts as “koala nuts” a few days ago. I was reading a line of food trivia about their caffeine content. And then I read it again. And then I sat there wondering why koalas have caffeine in their nuts and how it got there. Was it there naturally? Too much Red Bull? And then I read that bit of trivia one more time. KOLA. Kola nuts.

I’m telling you this so that you won’t feel bad when I now tell you about my Epic Flash of Greatness, this Peanut Butter and Banana Cream Pie, the bastard child of this week’s Tuesdays with Dorie recipe (Banana Cream Pie) and this month’s You Want Pies With That? challenge. Yesssssss! It’s like writing one term paper and turning it in to two different professors. Huzzah!

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